Sorry for that

Sorry for my little break down the other day. I obviously have a hard time dealing with things when I'm pregnant! By the next day I was much better. Yes, I'm still really worried about finances, but I don't feel quite so defeated now. Obviously that congregation is not where we were supposed to be, and while it still stinks that we have no plans to move, I know God knows much better than I do about where we need to go.

Chris is in talks with one congregation so we will see how that goes. The only tricky part is going to be if they want him to come and try out, and if they do when that might be. Trying to schedule around the baby has been difficult. While I don't want to be induced, that might have to be the option. We will deal with that bridge when it comes.

I went to my doctor appointment on Tuesday and I am now 3 centimeters. Still only about 50% effaced which stinks, but I thought I would still be 2 centimeters like I was the week before. For the last 4 days I have been having tons of contractions and a lot of pressure. I've never had it like this before. HOPEFULLY that means things will get started any day (or tonight...not I'm wishful thinking or anything! lol). My due date is Sept 3rd and so tomorrow I will be 39 weeks.

While my last post might have come across that I wasn't thankful for anything, because at the time I was acting like a spoiled brat, the contrary is true. I am blessed beyond measure and while things might be a little rough right now I know there is a purpose and learning experience.

The big black cloud

It just continues to loom over us. Why can't things just be easy for us, just once? Chris finally wrote the congregation he went to a few weeks ago. Before he left he asked if they knew when they would have a decision and he was told they would let him know in a couple of days. It has now been 2 weeks and he hadn't heard anything. He wrote them this morning and just got an email back saying they were still reviewing applications and they would let him know. Um yeah, can you say that would be a big fat no?

I am so over all of this. I am just so shocked at all the games that are played. I'm tired of some of these places making it sound like we all but have a job, just to be told weeks/months later that we didn't get it. Why the false hope? We just want to go somewhere and get settled. Limbo stinks beyond belief.

I laugh thinking about how optimistic we were back in May. We heard so many times how Chris shouldn't have a problem at all finding a job that we actually believed it. And now, here we are almost in September without even so much of a glimmer of a job. Our financial support is obviously not coming in anymore. We are so very gracious that we have gotten it for as long as we have. Obviously it could have stopped at the end of June but several congregations decided to continue supporting Chris through this month to try to give him time to find work. We are about to be a family of 6 with no money coming in. Chris is trying to find any work at all but obviously in this economy he is even having a hard time finding secular work.

Yes I realize I have done nothing but whine lately, but quite honestly, I'm scared. I'm really scared. And it doesn't look likely that things will be looking up any time soon. You can't help but question what is wrong with us that no one wants us.

Sigh

I am a complete grump today. I am just so worn out and overstressed.

Chris's brother passed away on Wednesday evening and so Thursday we packed up and heading up to his mom's. We knew it was coming as he had cancer in his pancreas, lung, and liver. He was 5'8 and was barely over 100 lbs. He was only 54 and he looked like he was over 70. Chris knew he wouldn't make it through the summer. So on Saturday was the funeral, which Chris officiated. Some people may think it was a little strange for him to officiate his own brother's funeral but he wanted to make sure it was heartfelt and personal. Since he didn't go to church (though Chris was able to get him to repent and come back to the Lord as he was baptized when he was younger) he had already been sick and wasn't able to get out at all and so while we could have found someone else to officiate, they wouldn't have known him at all and it would have been really routine. It was the first funeral he had done and he was really nervous, but it went really well and he did a wonderful job. He definitely gave his brother a great send off. He said it was really strange to only have 2 living brothers now, as one of his other brothers was killed about 10 years ago when he was hit head-on on his motorcycle when a car crossed over into the other lane going around a curve.

I have also not been feeling really well. Just lots of contractions and really really hurting, which makes sleeping not very easy. Add that to all the traveling we have been doing and I am just one worn out girl.

Oh yeah, and still nothing on the job. We were told they would let us know in a couple of days. We are now going on over a week. I'm taking that as not a good sign. They asked him the other day to fill in some blanks on his resume and asked for job information going back to 92. He did the best he could, but that was almost 20 years ago! During a time when he wasn't even a Christian. He was in his early 20's and was pretty much a bum. So who knows. So it is quite stressful around here. No job, no money, and a baby who will be here soon.

Sigh.

Trying to hang on and trust the Lord and not get caught up on when I think things should happen.

Motivation at last

There is nothing like having constant contractions all night while your husband is 1300 miles away and you are home by yourself to kick your butt in gear and get motivated. I absolutely cannot wait until he gets home on Tuesday morning (well Monday around midnight). Just the thought of delivering without him being here makes me cry. I really was getting scared last night though. I usually don't start feeling this way until about 38 weeks or so, if that. So it has come as quite a surprise that I am having these types of contractions, having this type of pressure, and having this type of crampiness so early. I'm trying to really take it easy until Chris gets home, after that it's game on! lol

So, the first thing on my To Do list: Pick out names. How sad is that?

I have a list for the hospital bag, for things I need to buy, and for things I need to do. I imagine I will go out on Tuesday after my doctor appointment to pick up the things on my Need to Buy list. Hopefully, Chris will come home with a job so I won't feel guilty for having to buy some things!

He said it is really beautiful up in Montana. Tomorrow he will be officially trying out and meeting everyone so please keep him in your prayers. I always get so nervous for him! He tends to get going a little fast when he gets nervous so hopefully he will be able to slow himself down.

I am so not ready.

So lets see...tomorrow I am going to be 36 weeks. Which means in 4 weeks, plus or minus, this little one will be coming. Do you know what we have ready? Absolutely nothing. Not one thing.

All of the baby clothes are still sitting in storage. The crib is in pieces in our bedroom. I have nothing washed or sterilized. I haven't bought any going-home outfits. I haven't even THOUGHT about a hospital bag let alone get one started. We don't even have names, whether it be a boy or a girl.

Am I just in denial that things are getting close or what? What in the world is my problem? I just cannot get motivated to do anything. I feel absolutely no urgency.

I honestly think a part of my problem is I absolutely did NOT want to still be here, living in this apartment when the baby came. I didn't even let myself think about the possibility. I hoped and prayed that Chris would find a job before August hit so we could get moved in plenty of time. Well, obviously the beginning of August has come and gone and we are still here, jobless. And now we have passed the deadline. We both said that if he hadn't found anything by the first of August we would be cutting it too close to move anywhere until after the baby is born. And it is. There is no way I would feel comfortable moving anything now before the baby comes. Which is depressing.

I hate being here. Have I mentioned that??? I have no clue where I am going to put anything for the baby, which is probably also part of the problem. There is just no space left.

Chris is flying out tomorrow for a tryout in Montana and will be gone for 4 days. He has to leave here about 5 am and won't be back until just before midnight on Monday night. I hate that he is going to be gone that long. I don't think we have every been apart that long, and it's kind of creepy to be home by yourself at night with just the kids. We are obviously hoping he gets the job, but most of all we are hoping we get an answer one way or the other quickly. It's wishful thinking, but hopefully before he leaves there on Monday afternoon. Although, this is Chris and I you are talking about so we probably won't hear anything until September.

Sorry about the whiny post. I'm thinking I probably shouldn't have written tonight. Stress levels and emotions are at a max. And I now think, just in writing all of this out, that the hormones are starting to kick in because now all I want to do is go cry into my pillow.

My dearest hubby:

When I just happen to mention certain ice cream blizzards that just happen to sound really good, it is advisable NOT to reply with, "you do realize it doesn't get any easier to lose weight the older you get, right".

It's 90+ degrees out and I am almost 9 months pregnant. I have a built-in heater growing inside of me. I'm hot! AND, just because I said it sounded good doesn't mean I was going to go out and get it...it just SOUNDED good!

Baby update

Sorry for the delay! Really though, there wasn't much to say. It was just your normal boring routine. I will have the Strep B test at the next appointment and he will start checking me at that appointment and every appointment afterwards. Things are getting close! So my next appointment is next Tuesday and then they will be every week after that.

I am definitely ready, though I fully expect to go over my due date. Still though, I'm ready! I am just such a grouch and my patience level is nil. It hurts to walk, it hurts to sleep, it hurts to get up. And it is HOT! Being pregnant throughout the summer has definitely been difficult to say the least. I don't go outside unless absolutely necessary, which I think has been a part of my mood problems. Loved being pregnant throughout the winter...throughout the summer, not so much.

As a positive though, Faith absolutely loves feeling the baby move. She had her hand on my stomach at church tonight and had a huge grin on her face when it would move. It was just too precious and completely melts the heart.