I am so not ready.

So lets see...tomorrow I am going to be 36 weeks. Which means in 4 weeks, plus or minus, this little one will be coming. Do you know what we have ready? Absolutely nothing. Not one thing.

All of the baby clothes are still sitting in storage. The crib is in pieces in our bedroom. I have nothing washed or sterilized. I haven't bought any going-home outfits. I haven't even THOUGHT about a hospital bag let alone get one started. We don't even have names, whether it be a boy or a girl.

Am I just in denial that things are getting close or what? What in the world is my problem? I just cannot get motivated to do anything. I feel absolutely no urgency.

I honestly think a part of my problem is I absolutely did NOT want to still be here, living in this apartment when the baby came. I didn't even let myself think about the possibility. I hoped and prayed that Chris would find a job before August hit so we could get moved in plenty of time. Well, obviously the beginning of August has come and gone and we are still here, jobless. And now we have passed the deadline. We both said that if he hadn't found anything by the first of August we would be cutting it too close to move anywhere until after the baby is born. And it is. There is no way I would feel comfortable moving anything now before the baby comes. Which is depressing.

I hate being here. Have I mentioned that??? I have no clue where I am going to put anything for the baby, which is probably also part of the problem. There is just no space left.

Chris is flying out tomorrow for a tryout in Montana and will be gone for 4 days. He has to leave here about 5 am and won't be back until just before midnight on Monday night. I hate that he is going to be gone that long. I don't think we have every been apart that long, and it's kind of creepy to be home by yourself at night with just the kids. We are obviously hoping he gets the job, but most of all we are hoping we get an answer one way or the other quickly. It's wishful thinking, but hopefully before he leaves there on Monday afternoon. Although, this is Chris and I you are talking about so we probably won't hear anything until September.

Sorry about the whiny post. I'm thinking I probably shouldn't have written tonight. Stress levels and emotions are at a max. And I now think, just in writing all of this out, that the hormones are starting to kick in because now all I want to do is go cry into my pillow.